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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27557821">Beauty, Danger: They Are The Same</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/fringeperson/pseuds/fringeperson'>fringeperson</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Naruto, Saiyuki (Anime &amp; Manga)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>BAMF Naruto, Don't copy to another site, Gojyo and Hakkai basically OC Inserts here, Multi, Naruto as raised by strippers, Naruto breaks Kakashi's brain, Old Fic, There is a kiss, You'll probably recognise a couple of other OCs as well, all respect to the women who work really hard in a frequently demeaning industry, student flirting with teacher</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 19:01:08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>16,127</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27557821</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/fringeperson/pseuds/fringeperson</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Naruto receives care from a collection of lovely ladies and the two men who own the club they work in. With such influences in his life, it should be expected that things work out differently.</p>
<p>~</p>
<p>Originally posted in '12</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Cho Hakkai/Sha Gojyo, Hatake Kakashi &amp; Uzumaki Naruto</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>92</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Title taken from the 1993 Three Musketeers movie with Tim Curry, Charlie Sheen, and a few other faces you may or may not recognise.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Hey Cutie-Pop,” a kind, concerned, feminine voice said from above him, and Naruto looked up to see a really pretty lady. Her black hair was cut short and feathery around her face, and there was shimmery stuff on her eyelids and her lips were extra <em>extra</em><span> red, while the rest of her skin was pale. She was dressed in a long, tan coat that was buttoned right up to her neck with the belt tied tight around her middle. “What are you doing out here? Isn't it past your bed-time?”</span></p>
<p>“Got kicked out of the orphanage,” Naruto answered.</p>
<p>“<span>Poor </span><em>baby</em><span>!” the pretty lady said, sympathetically. She crouched down where she stood – and that was impressive, considering the really high heels she was wearing on her feet – and stroked Naruto's face gently. “That's just not right. The only reasons you shouldn't be at the orphanage are if you're too old or got a new family. I don't think you're too old, are you?”</span></p>
<p>Naruto shook his head. “I'm four,” he answered. “I know there's kids at the orphanage older than me. An' I don't got a new family either,” he supplied.</p>
<p>“Well, I'm not going to leave you out here by yourself. Come on Cutie-Pop, you're coming with me. You'll have to stay quiet and out of the way, but you can stay back stage at my work for a while.”</p>
<p>Naruto smiled up at the nice lady. “Thank you!” he chirped. “I'm Naruto! What's your name?”</p>
<p>“I'm called Kotori-chan,” the nice lady answered, and took one of Naruto's hands in her own, then tugged him up so that he was standing and led him through the streets to the back door of a building.</p>
<p>Once they were inside, lots of female voices called out greetings to Kotori-chan.</p>
<p>“Everybody, this is Naruto-chan,” Kotori-chan said once there was a slight lull in the greetings. “He was kicked out of the orphanage.”</p>
<p>Every one of the pretty ladies in the room frowned at that, making similar exclamations of 'poor dear' or 'poor baby' like Kotori-chan had when Naruto had told her that himself.</p>
<p>“So I thought I'd bring him here for the night. Naruto-chan will stay quiet and out of the way, won't you Cutie-Pop?” she asked, directing that last at Naruto, who nodded firmly and enthusiastically.</p>
<p>“And I can fetch things if they're not too high, or look for things that might have been dropped if you need me to!” the child added, wanting to be helpful.</p>
<p>“Aw, so cute!” another lady said, smiling as she crouched down in front of Naruto like Kotori-chan had done. “Come with me now Naruto-chan, Kotori-chan has to finish getting ready right now. I'll find you a quiet spot to tuck away in with a blanket, and maybe something to eat?”<br/>“Thank you very much!” Naruto enthused with a smile as wide as his whole face.</p>
<p>“You call me Cho-chan, alright Cutie-Pop?” this new lady said as she gently tugged Naruto over to another part of the room. “And if you ever get kicked out of the orphanage again, you come back here, alright? We'll take care of you.”</p>
<p>“Hai, Cho-chan!” Naruto agreed.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>~oOo~</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Naruto returned to that back door every night, and after a few lessons from the ladies when they had a moment between the times they had to go out a door that Naruto was </span>
  <em>not</em>
  <span> allowed to peek through, was actually very helpful around the dressing room. He learned how to apply and remove make up quickly and well. He learned how to secure a wig over hair so that none of the </span>
  <em>real</em>
  <span> hair showed through, and then how to make that real hair look like it </span>
  <em>hadn't</em>
  <span> been under a wig when the wig came off. He learned how to give foot-massages after a few lessons, and then shoulder and neck-massages, and back massages, and he learned about different moisturisers and perfumes and curling styles. He learned about cramps and pain medication and smiling even when it </span>
  <em>hurt</em>
  <span> and all the kind ladies wanted to do was curl up in a bubble bath with a block of chocolate. He learned how to do sums by helping the ladies count the money that they got when they came back in through the door he wasn't allowed near, and they taught him how to read and write as well. Naruto even learned how to work a laundry machine.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He learned a lot of other things too. Things like descriptions of big tippers each night, the names of regulars (though he had no idea what they looked like, or what kind of things went on beyond the door he wasn't allowed near), and things about each of the nice ladies families. Things like how </span>
  <em>all</em>
  <span> of them either had grabby landlords or bitter landladies, and they had to ask permission to make the smallest changes to their apartments and it took forever to get things fixed.</span>
</p>
<p>So, when the Old Man came by the orphanage one day and asked Naruto what he wanted for his upcoming birthday, Naruto had an answer ready.</p>
<p>“I'd like an apartment building please,” the boy said in his most polite voice.</p>
<p>The Sandaime blinked in understandable surprise. “What would you want with an apartment building Naruto?” he asked, curious and a little bit worried.</p>
<p>“Well, all the nice ladies who take care of me at night don't like their apartments, so I thought I'd thank them for being so nice to me and taking care of me by giving them new apartments where they could paint the walls if they wanted, and the plumbing wouldn't be backed up for a week waiting for a plumber, or -”</p>
<p>The Hokage held up a hand to cut off the boy's list. “That's very thoughtful of you Naruto,” he said with a smile. “But who are these nice ladies that take care of you at night? Aren't you here, at the orphanage, at night?”</p>
<p>
  <span>Naruto shook his head. “Nu-uh,” he answered. “I get kicked out in the nights, and one night Kotori-chan found me and took me with her to where she worked and I got to meet Cho-chan and Kyoku-chan and Chika-chan and Chiharu-chan and Eri-chan and Momo-chan and Mi-chan and Ran-chan and Saki-chan and Suzume-chan! They're not all there every night, like whenever Cho-chan is there, then Mi-chan isn't, and you </span>
  <em>never</em>
  <span> see Chika-chan without Chiharu-chan being nearby, which means that there isn't room for Kyoku-chan or Ran-chan at the mirrors and cupboards, but they all call me Cutie-Pop and they've been very kind to me so I want to do this for them and their families! </span>
  <em>Please</em>
  <span> Hokage-jiji?” Naruto begged, bringing out the ultimate weapon: big, watery, shiny eyes and a very small, hopeful pout over clasped hands that were right under his chin as he made his appeal.</span>
</p>
<p>The old man tried to resist. Really he did. This wasn't something he could just say 'yes' to as easily as all that after all. There were a great many complexities involved in such an undertaking. Besides which...</p>
<p>“<span>I thought you might ask to enter the Ninja Academy for your birthday this year,” the Hokage said, trying to delay his answer and divert the boy's attention. Anything to stop those </span><em>eyes</em><span>. “Since you'd finally be old enough.”</span></p>
<p>Naruto blinked. The Eyes of Doom disappeared, thankfully, and the boy lowered his head as he thought, and thought deeply if the expression on his face was any indication.</p>
<p>“<span>I </span><em>would</em><span> like to be a ninja,” Naruto agreed quietly, “but I want to do something for -”</span></p>
<p>“Yes, Naruto,” the Hokage said, interrupting before Naruto could name every one of the ladies again. “But getting you an apartment building is going to be a difficult thing to do. All the ones we have in Konoha right now are owned by other people, and I don't think any of them are selling any time soon.”</p>
<p>
  <span>Naruto shuffled his feet and bit his lip. “Maybe, build one?” he asked. “I don't mind if it's a next year birthday present. It will be something to look forward to, and I promise to work extra-</span>
  <em>extra</em>
  <span> hard at the Academy to be the very </span>
  <em>best</em>
  <span> student, an' I'll do odd jobs for you around the Tower if you need me to!”</span>
</p>
<p>The old man smiled down at the blonde child. Already so thoughtful of others, so responsible, even so young as he was. “I'll see what I can do, and I suppose, if you're going to have an apartment building for the nice ladies, that you could live there too.” He hadn't forgotten what Naruto had said about being kicked out of the orphanage at night. He just knew that there was no point in pressing the matter with Naruto.</p>
<p>
  <span>He'd be </span>
  <em>pressing</em>
  <span> it with the people who the Council had set to </span>
  <em>run</em>
  <span> the orphanage. Or... maybe he wouldn't, since Naruto seemed to prefer the company of the 'nice ladies' he had met and wanted to build an apartment block just so that he could thank them for taking care of him. It wasn't until he left the orphanage behind that Sarutobi realised that he'd essentially agreed, within himself, to getting that new apartment complex built for Naruto's next birthday present.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>~oOo~</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Ah! Look at this girls!” Ran-chan called when Naruto arrived at the back door, a leaf stuck to his forehead with chakra, as that had been the day's lesson at the Academy. “Cutie-Pop is practising to become a ninja!”</p>
<p>For a while, Naruto was cooed over by the ladies present, and did very well in keeping the leaf on his forehead through it all, and then for the rest of the night helping the ladies with all the things that needed to be done while they were in the back room until he was so tired he fell asleep, as usually happened around about midnight before he woke again at five in the morning to help with last clean up before they all left for the day.</p>
<p>Once he was down for the count and tucked under the dryer in the laundry room, the ladies started talking more quietly amongst themselves.</p>
<p>“Cutie-Pop, a ninja,” Ran-chan said quietly.</p>
<p>“He'll be learning all sorts of things,” Cho-chan added. “I had an uncle who was a ninja before he died,” she paused, clearly thinking back to her memory of the man. A smile spread across her face. “He was <em>fit</em>,” she commented.</p>
<p>Giggles rippled through the room.</p>
<p>“Ne,” called Kyoku-chan softly. “Do you think, maybe, it would help our Cutie-Pop to learn the things we do?” she asked, pointing to the stage door. “Well it <em>is</em> good exercise,” she justified in a quiet huff when all the other girls stared at her, incredulous.</p>
<p>“It's also completely <em>inappropriate</em> for -” Momo-chan began in a soft hiss.</p>
<p>Kotori-chan cut off the other woman by stretching her arm out in front of her face. “No,” she said softly. “It's a good idea. A ninja should be flexible, as well as strong. I'm not saying we teach him how to strip for tips or any of that, but dancing and working the pole, that sort of thing.”</p>
<p>Heads nodded in agreement, some slightly more reluctant than others.</p>
<p>“It certainly can't hurt,” was the final, verbal agreement. It came from Eri-chan. “But where, when and <em>how</em> are we going to be able to teach him?” she asked.</p>
<p>“I'll talk to Gojyo-san and Hakkai-san,” Cho-chan volunteered in a soft, solemn voice. “Maybe they'll let us use a private room for Cutie-Pop's lessons.”</p>
<p>Smirks spread around the room.</p>
<p>“Especially if they're allowed to watch the lessons,” Ran-chan quipped.</p>
<p>Still, they had a plan, and that was the thing. The two men who ran the club were good guys, didn't take big cuts from the tips the girls got, much more making <em>their</em> money off the bar and poker tables that also ran in the club. They were good bosses, never grabbed at them or leered, though they did occasionally run an eye over them, but that was more appreciation and approval than lechery, letting the girls know without saying so that they looked great and would knock all the customer's socks off. They were also good about getting the rowdy and grabby customers <em>out</em> of the club, as well as the unpleasant drunks.</p>
<p>The guys even knew about Naruto being in the backstage every night. When they'd found out, they'd just grinned, then laughed, and said that as long as the kid wasn't causing the girls problems, then they didn't mind at all.</p>
<p>Before the night was out and the sun had begun to rise, Cho-chan had mentioned the idea to Gojyo, who talked it over with Hakkai, and the two men joined the ladies backstage just a bit after Naruto woke up.</p>
<p>“Hey Kid,” Gojyo greeted with a smile. This was actually the first time that he and Hakkai would be meeting the boy, rather than just hearing about him. “I'm Gojyo, and this is my friend Hakkai. We own this place.”</p>
<p>Naruto sat up, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. “Pleased to meet you Sir,” the boy answered politely. Then he was clearly struck by a terrible thought. “I'm not in trouble for sleeping here, am I?” he asked, hopefully. “The nice ladies aren't in trouble for letting me, are they?” he asked, desperately.</p>
<p>Gojyo and Hakkai chuckled. “Nah Kid,” Gojyo answered with a smile. “But Cho-chan here tells us you started your ninja training.”</p>
<p>Naruto bobbed his head frantically. “Just yesterday Sir!” Naruto answered.</p>
<p>The two grown men chuckled again. Naruto really was a cute kid. They hadn't lost anybody to the Kyuubi when it rampaged, hadn't even gotten to Konoha yet when that happened. The pair of them had arrived in the re-build stage, and had missed the announcement of Naruto's prisoner. They had no reason to hate him at all.</p>
<p>“Well, the girls here thought, since you're going to be a ninja, that they would like to teach you a few more things,” Hakkai said with a gentle smile. “I understand you've been a good student to them with all the other things they've been teaching you?”</p>
<p>Naruto beamed and nodded his head again. “I really like learning from them all!” he enthused.</p>
<p>“We've loved teaching you, Cutie-Pop,” Kotori-chan said from behind her bosses.</p>
<p>“What time do you get out from the Academy each day, Kid?” Gojyo asked with a crooked smile on his tanned face.</p>
<p>“Uh... Four from Monday to Friday, two on Saturdays, and I don't go at all on Sundays,” he answered, nodding once he'd finished, sure that he'd gotten it right.</p>
<p>“Alright then, here's what we're gonna do,” Gojyo decided. “You'll come here every Monday through Friday for an hour after you're done at the Academy for lessons from the girls, you'll get Saturday off, and then on Sundays you stay here the whole day. You can alternate between practising what you've learned during the week and helping around with the day-jobs out front. Alright?”</p>
<p>Naruto nodded, wide-eyed. “I'm gonna see what's past the door?” he asked.</p>
<p>Hakkai and Gojyo nodded silently, small smiles on their faces.</p>
<p>“But you're not going to actually use <em>that</em> door without either one of us or one of the girls taking you through it,” Hakkai clarified. “It goes onto a stage, and you have to learn all sorts of things before you can be let onto a stage on your own.”</p>
<p>Naruto nodded solemnly, understanding what he was being told. “Thank you Gojyo-san, Hakkai-san,” he said earnestly and almost too seriously for a child his age.</p>
<p>Gojyo grinned and ruffled Naruto's blonde hair. “Our pleasure Kid,” he assured the five-year-old.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>~oOo~</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Lessons at the Ninja Academy included lots of history, lots of running, lots of throwing blunted (and not always <em>balanced</em>) kunai at hay bales, throwing equally blunted (and often even <em>less</em> balanced) shuriken at hay bales, more history, <em>very</em> basic chakra control (the leaf exercise), and (at the moment) not much else. There was rumour that the girls also were taught about flower arranging, and that next year there would be lessons in things like tracking, trapping, and lock-picking, but for Naruto, that would be next year, when he was six. Currently, he was still five and his favourite lessons were the ones he had <em>after</em> the Academy let out for the day.</p>
<p>The ladies took turns teaching him, always in short shorts and sleeveless, tight tops.</p>
<p>“Our clothes have to be like this,” Chika-chan explained when Naruto asked. “Because it is our skin that gives us grip on the slippery pole. Here,” she said, taking hold of Naruto's arm pressing it against the pole. “See? Your skin clings to the pole, just a little, but a little is enough.”</p>
<p>Naruto nodded, able to see perfectly well – and feel, more to the point – that his skin stuck to the cool metal of the pole, just a bit, as Chika-chan had said.</p>
<p>“Now, if we do that with cloth, or something else slippery between us and the pole, then we fall off and hurt ourselves. There are <em>some</em> things we wear that will give us grip, but you wouldn't want to wear <em>leather</em> shorts for hours on a warm day while you're doing a workout, would you Cutie-Pop?”</p>
<p>Naruto shook his head vigorously. No, he would <em>not</em>.</p>
<p>“Mm,” Chika-chan nodded. “But it's these hard sorts of fabrics that will give stick, rather than the soft, <em>comfortable</em> ones, so we wear less clothes so that we can be comfortable while we do this. Okay?”</p>
<p>Naruto nodded. “I understand, Chika-chan!” he insisted.</p>
<p>His lessons there, under supervision of Gojyo and Hakkai, included things like pulling himself up the pole with just his hands, or hanging from it upside-down by his legs and <em>not sliding down</em>, or controlling how much he slid and how fast. He learned how to do twirls on the pole and hang by one arm, how to flip himself upwards with his hands and all <em>sorts</em> of other things.</p>
<p>Before, Naruto was willing to bend over backwards to help the nice ladies. Now, he actually <em>could</em> bend over backwards quite easily thanks to the 'dance' lessons the girls gave him. He was taught kicks and handstands and the differences between doing them from the ground and the pole, and then he was taught <em>new</em> kicks, and twirls, and how to climb upwards, upside-down with just his hands.</p>
<p>He learned about doing similar feats across the ground without the pole to help hold him up too. He could do series of back flips, forward flips, he could tumble in any direction, cartwheel forwards and backwards, walk on his hand or drop to his knees without hurting himself. He could do the splits on the ground or holding himself up <em>off</em> the ground.</p>
<p>Then Hakkai suggested that, as a ninja, Naruto might benefit from learning how to do all that sort of thing on a rope, rather than a pole, as there was no <em>guarantee</em> that there would be handy poles on missions, but he could carry something like rope with him.</p>
<p>So Naruto learned it all over again, and learned even <em>more</em> things that could <em>only</em> be done with rope that <em>couldn't</em> be done with a pole (like rope-burn!), and <em>then</em> he learned the differences between rope and other lengths of fabric that could be used in a similar way, and he practised all day every Sunday.</p>
<p>When the Hokage presented Naruto with the apartment building he'd asked for – his gift for his sixth birthday – Naruto was thrilled and got all the girls, Gojyo and Hakkai to help make it exactly what they wanted it to be, since Gojyo and Hakkai lived in a small apartment a block away from their business, and they didn't like their landlord much either, and Naruto wanted to thank <em>them too</em>, for being so nice to him.</p>
<p>The entire top floor of the building was converted into a place were Naruto, the girls, and even Gojyo and Hakkai could practice and train (Gojyo and Hakkai liked to work with weights just to keep in good health), and all the girls – and their families – got enough space to themselves, and Naruto explained how they didn't have to ask permission to get <em>anything</em> done to their apartments that they wanted done, since he <em>knew</em> they weren't going do anything that could be bad.</p>
<p>Gojyo and Hakkai had shared a <em>look</em>, and Hakkai had taken Naruto aside to explain everything that a person needed to know about account-keeping, since owning a home – which is essentially what the apartment building <em>was</em> for them all now – was simply <em>fraught</em> with expenses.</p>
<p>Naruto soaked up these lessons just as eagerly as he learned everything else he was taught.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>~oOo~</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Naruto was seven when he first watched one of the ladies – Mi-chan in this instance – practising a new routine that she would perform on the stage at the club. It was the first time that he was <em>really</em> exposed to anything that could be called 'sexual'. The clothes that the ladies wore backstage could be called 'skimpy', and Naruto had often wondered (before he was taught how to work the pole) how they could sweat so <em>much</em> while wearing so little. Of course he'd learned, but...</p>
<p>“Hey Kid,” Gojyo greeted, laying a hand on Naruto's shoulder as he came to stand beside the boy and watch Mi-chan begin to really get her groove on. “She looks good, huh?” he commented absently.</p>
<p>Naruto nodded. “That's what they all do on the stage?” he asked quietly, ripping his bright blue eyes away from the sight of Mi-chan's practice session.</p>
<p>Gojyo nodded. “That and more,” he answered simply. It was fact, and he wasn't a liar. Lying would be a disservice to the kid. “It's a demanding profession, just like being a ninja is -”</p>
<p>“You got that right,” Naruto quipped softly. He knew how demanding the pole was alright.</p>
<p>Gojyo smiled, but continued as though he hadn't been interrupted. “But at the same time, it's easy money because the girls all enjoy it,” he explained. “Their work makes them look sexy, and everybody likes to be sexy and be around other beautiful people.” A chuckle escaped Gojyo's lips. “That's vanity, Kid. Even Hakkai and me are like that. It's why we work out, though in different ways to the girls. Old guys like us -” Gojyo and Hakkai were between thirty and thirty-five, which wasn't really old, but they were certainly older than Naruto. “- are too stiff to take up the pole. We don't have the flexibility like you, and you'll keep that flexibility too, if you keep yourself limber, so we work out in different ways. <span>Capiche</span>?”</p>
<p>Naruto cocked his head up at Gojyo, not recognising the word. He could guess, from the context, but he'd never heard it before.</p>
<p>“Ah,” Gojyo seemed to register the boy's confusion and its source. “That's Italian, don't worry about that, it's a very, <em>very</em> far away place. My folks came from there a long, <em>long</em> time ago. It's one of the few words that really hung around after all the generations. It means 'do you understand?'”</p>
<p>Naruto nodded. “I, er, I <span>capiche</span>?” he said, wondering if that was right.</p>
<p>Gojyo laughed and shook his head. “Man, Kid, no. You just say 'yes' or 'no' when you're asked that. If there's a proper Italian answer to that, it didn't get passed down in my family,” Gojyo said, ruffling Naruto's hair fondly.</p>
<p>That was the year that jutsu theory and the 'Academy Three' started being taught to Naruto. There were still lessons that had him and his peers running laps, and listening to boring history lectures, but the tracking and trapping and lock-picking lessons had <em>only</em> been last year, and weren't carried over at all – which seemed strange to Naruto. He also thought it was weird that they weren't being taught how to actually fight yet, still just throwing badly balanced weapons at stationary targets from a standing position.</p>
<p>Naruto knew the weapons were badly balanced too. Hakkai had taken a look at the kunai and shuriken that Naruto had brought home to practice throwing with and declared them <em>horribly</em> balanced. Naruto had asked how the man could tell, and gotten a <em>very</em> thorough explanation of how a weapon was balanced. He hadn't thought to ask how Hakkai <em>knew</em> though. Naruto just took it for granted that the grown-ups around him <em>knew stuff</em>.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>~oOo~</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“New lesson!” Gojyo and Hakkai declared happily when Naruto was eight. It was his birthday, and every one of the ladies had taken directions from their bosses on what to buy the boy for his gifts this year, since the men had a 'Plan'. Naruto had been confused by more than a few of the gifts he'd been given at the time, but they were being explained to him now.</p>
<p>“This, Naruto, is more than just a long, smooth stick. It is a weapon,” Hakkai expounded, picking up the bo-staff that Naruto had been given by Saki-chan. “It gives you reach,” he began, stepping back from Gojyo and bringing the staff down fast over the other man's head, stopping before he actually hit his friend. “It is versatile,” he continued, swiping it one-handed at Gojyo's feet – the man jumped over it. “It is unassuming,” Hakkai added, leaning on it like a tall walking stick. “And it is strong despite it's light weight,” he finished, pulling himself up on the pole for a brief moment, using it like a pole-vaulter might.</p>
<p>“And it's adaptable,” Gojyo added, taking the staff from Hakkai and picking up another of Naruto's birthday gifts – a sort of short machete with a hollow handle – and screwing it on the end of the staff. There were lots of other interesting things with hollow handles that Naruto had been given as well, and now he understood better about why that was.</p>
<p>“So cool,” the boy said with awe, then he frowned as his eyes fell on one of the gifts that didn't look like it had anything to do with the staff or any of its possible attachments. “But what's that?” he asked, pointing to the coil of woven brown skins. Suzume-chan had given it to him.</p>
<p>“That's a <em>whip</em>, Kid,” Gojyo answered with a grin. “You remember all that stuff you learned how to do on the rope?”</p>
<p>Naruto nodded, with a slight roll of his eyes. That was a stupid question. Of <em>course</em> he remembered! He practised every day!</p>
<p>“And you remember how you got rope burns the first time?” Gojyo pressed.</p>
<p>Naruto nodded again, wincing in remembrance. Those had <em>hurt</em>, and he was <em>really</em> glad that Hakkai had a cream to put on those burns to make them stop burning.</p>
<p>“Well Kid, a whip won't give you rope-burns, but it's kinda like a rope. The bonus of a whip though, is that it can do other stuff that a rope can't,” Gojyo explained. Then paused and frowned in a moment of thought. “Of course, you'll have to watch out for whip-lash until you get the hang of it.”</p>
<p>Hakkai chuckled as he picked up the coiled leather length and gently tossed it to his friend for Gojyo to demonstrate.</p>
<p>Gojyo grinned as he unwound the whip. “There are different sorts of whips out there,” Gojyo said as he let the coils fall to the floor while he held the thick handle in his hand. “But this one's called a bullwhip. Now, here's something that a rope won't do,” Gojyo declared with a grin as he lashed the whip across the room to where the pole was. The end wrapped around the metal upright and when Gojyo pulled it didn't come loose.</p>
<p>“With a rope, you'd have to tie a knot,” Hakkai said to Naruto, who was staring, again with awe in his bright blue eyes.</p>
<p>“But the whip is made from animal skin, so, like your skin, it grips the pole,” Gojyo explained. “I'll get it loose and then Hakkai and me will start teaching you how to use these, okay?”</p>
<p>Naruto nodded eagerly, but then he frowned as a thought occurred to him. “How do you know how to use them?” he asked.</p>
<p>“We travelled around before coming to Konoha, Kid,” Gojyo said, ruffling blonde hair on his way past to the pole.</p>
<p>“Gojyo and I had to defend ourselves on the road somehow,” Hakkai added with a gentle smile. “I know we don't need them ourselves any more, but we haven't completely forgotten how to use these, and I'm sure you'll come up with even more ideas.”</p>
<p>Naruto beamed brightly at the compliment.</p>
<p>It was true though. With all the pole training he'd had, he could see himself using the staff like a portable pole if he needed to. The whip too, Naruto was sure he could use like a hung rope just as easily as anything else if he needed to.</p>
<p>“One more thing, Kid,” Gojyo said as he came back with the coiled whip in his left hand. “You're gonna need to learn how to take care of all this stuff, so it stays in top condition so it will work for you when you need it most.”</p>
<p>Naruto nodded, and it was somewhere between a solemn nod and an enthusiastic nod. He could hardly <em>wait</em> to learn!</p>
<p>Hakkai and Gojyo smiled at the boy, his determination to succeed and make them proud of him written all over his face. That was enough right there to make them proud of the kid.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>~oOo~</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Taijutsu lessons at the Academy finally started when Naruto was nine, and he surprised a <em>lot</em> of people by being really good right off – something that, normally, only clan children could boast, as they'd usually been trained in the family style a little bit by this time already.</p>
<p>Particularly, his peers and the instructors were surprised when, at a moment that one of the boys had started to move in on him, Naruto had bent backwards, put his weight on his palms, and raised his feet in a smooth movement that caught the other boy's chin, lifting him off the ground before Naruto brought his feet back down and stood up. His opponent had been forced, face first, into the ground that was now behind Naruto, and he turned quickly so that he didn't have his back to the 'enemy' for long.</p>
<p>The other boy was laid out, however, and clearly the loser of the bout. Naruto, as he left the 'arena' considered his hands. The dirt of the practice yard had stuck a bit over his hands, and the nine-year-old was considering what would happen if he tried that manoeuvre on different surfaces. Sand would probably be alright, likewise grass, but dirt roads often had lots of small stones all over, which would hurt his palms, and what if he was trying that somewhere that had lots of small, <em>sharp</em> rocks lying around? Not good. He was going to have to buy himself some tough gloves that he could pull on when he needed to. Of course, they'd also have to be flexible enough to let him make the hand-signs of jutsu if he needed one of those in the middle of a fight.</p>
<p>That meant asking the ladies about clothes – the favourite collective pass time for all of them. Oh, each one had something they liked more than shopping for clothes, but the only thing <em>all</em> of them agreed on as <em>fun</em> was clothes shopping. Yes, for those wondering, that included shoes.</p>
<p>“Oi! Uzumaki! Who taught you that?” demanded one of the sensei – a grey-haired chunin called Mizuki – with an unpleasant expression on his face.</p>
<p>“That move I just did?” Naruto asked, innocently seeking clarification from the man while he quickly decided he would <em>not</em> be helpful. “Momo-chan taught me that one!” he said, giving absolutely <em>no</em> indication that he would say anything else on the matter.</p>
<p>Mizuki pressed though. “And who is 'Momo-chan'?” he growled.</p>
<p>“Momo-chan is Momo-chan,” Naruto answered, his tone suggesting that it was the most obvious thing in the world, and Mizuki-sensei was an <em>idiot</em> for not realising that.</p>
<p>Then Iruka-sensei quietly ordered Mizuki-sensei to back off, and called the next two kids into the 'arena' for a spar.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>~oOo~</p>
<p> </p>
<p>From ages ten until twelve, lessons at the Academy were repeated, reviewed, tested, and difficulty increased where possible. There was no extra weapons training, still just kunai and shuriken with the use of ninja wire and exploding tags added as offensive items rather than just being used as parts of traps. It was when he was twelve that Naruto 'invented' a 'new' ninja technique.</p>
<p>Iruka-sensei just yelled at him for being stupid with the henge technique, but... What Naruto called the 'Orioke no Jutsu' <em>wasn't</em> the henge. Oh sure, it transformed the person performing it, just like the henge, but it <em>was</em> different.</p>
<p>The Orioke always, <em>always</em>, made the person performing it appear as one of the opposite gender. It was solid, unlike the henge which was a minor and localised genjutsu and couldn't be touched. It also required a certain level of knowledge of the human body to work properly. A dual understanding actually. First, it was important to know the <em>inside</em> of the body, the anatomy, things that were best learned from intense study of medical texts. Second, the person performing the technique had to have an idea of the <em>outside</em> of the body, and what about bodies of the opposite gender they found 'sexy' so that such things could be applied to the technique. Alternately, it <em>could</em> be applied to make you look like any other person of the opposite gender, but it <em>was</em> designed for a specific reason.</p>
<p>Anybody who didn't understand this about the Orioke no Jutsu would likely just perform a henge. Intangible and easily discovered as false.</p>
<p>Naruto invented it so that when one of the nice ladies couldn't perform for whatever reason, he could fill in for her in the show – having finally been fully educated on everything that went on in Gojyo and Hakkai's club. He didn't have a problem with it, after all, it was just dancing, however scantily clad it was. The customers were only allowed so close, and it wasn't like the girls were ashamed of their work or anything like that. Still, the solid Orioke allowed Naruto to actually, properly fill in. The first time he did this, he filled in for Kotori-chan.</p>
<p>Learning how to walk in heels (while also learning how to move around with his new height thanks to the technique) had been a challenge, but as with all challenges presented to him, Naruto rose to the occasion and performed admirably.</p>
<p>Once, just once, Naruto didn't disguise himself as one of the other ladies when he went on stage, and performed with the staff and whip that he'd been training with. He got a lot of applause and more than just a few tips from his performance. Of course, there was a <em>second</em> instance of Naruto using that 'original' guise when he was twelve: he used it to... <em>borrow</em> a few scrolls from the Hokage's office and private library. He returned them of course, but using the Orioke meant that the ninja thought they were looking for an eighteen-year-old, busty blonde woman rather than cute little Naruto, so he got to study the scrolls in peace for a few days before he returned them the day before his genin exam.</p>
<p>He learned a lot of things from those scrolls, not all of it nice, but he'd certainly be keeping what he'd learned to himself. Besides, it wasn't like anybody was going to ask him about any of it. He wasn't supposed to <em>know</em> in the first place. Not about the Kyuubi sealed in his stomach, not about the identities of his parents, not all the <em>other</em> S-ranked secrets that really had little or nothing to do with him, and certainly not the near <em>thousand</em> dangerous jutsu that had been contained in those scrolls. It really was a very handy thing that the first thing he'd come across in those scrolls was the Kage Bunshin no Jutsu, as it meant it only took him a few days to read everything rather than a few months. Of course, it would likely still take him a <em>long</em> time to actually <em>process</em> everything he'd learned – and master the jutsu.</p>
<p>But he had time and Kage Bunshin both on his side for now, so that wasn't <em>too</em> much of a problem.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Naruto blinked, wondering at the logic that had placed him on a team with the annoyingly angsty Uchiha Sasuke and the sickeningly screechy Haruno Sakura. Hell, he wondered at the logic that put those two on the same team as <em>each other</em>. Uchihas were famous for having – and hating – their fangirls. Haruno was one such fangirl. As for how Naruto fit in with them? Quite simply, he didn't.</p><p>Then there was the jounin who had been assigned as their team sensei. He'd been late yesterday to collect them, then told them not to eat breakfast the next day because they'd be having a survival test and would only throw up. Naruto ignored the 'no eating' advice, having a large but light breakfast before leaving the apartment building in the morning, with a muesli bar tucked in one pocket of his brown trousers to snack on in case the man was just as late <em>today</em> as he had been yesterday.</p><p>Naruto had his whip coiled at his right hip, the circle on the outside of the pocket of his brown cotton trousers – which were made for comfort and ease of movement more than anything else. He was wearing a vest of brown, light leather and his fingerless leather gloves were even lighter, for all they were also tough and durable. They were <em>also</em> brown, but with various little black marks all over. Little black marks that meant ready access to the different attachments for his staff stored in them – Naruto had done <em>that</em> during the self-study sessions at the Academy. Storage scrolls and exploding tags were the only two uses of sealing that were covered at the Academy, but they were covered <em>extensively</em>, so turning his gloves into storage scrolls, of a sort, hadn't been hard when he applied himself. As for the staff itself, Naruto had it horizontal over both of his shoulders with his hands hanging over like some lightly-burdened labourer as he whistled his way to the designated meeting place.</p><p>“Naruto! What did you do to your headband!?” Sakura demanded, loudly and impolitely, as soon as Naruto arrived at the training ground.</p><p>Naruto was momentarily surprised to see that the vain girl had the energy to scream at him so early in the morning. “I'm wearing it,” he answered flatly. “What's your problem? It's a bit of metal, it's <em>practical</em> to put the extra protection over my heart. Heads are harder to hit and harder to penetrate even if you hit them.”</p><p>“So you welded it to your filthy vest?!” she demanded.</p><p>Naruto didn't care to go into the intricacies of the hows of garment production with the girl, especially so early in the day, and so simply agreed with a shrug and a nod. Then he noticed the great big bags his team mates had brought with them.</p><p>“What's that?” he asked, pointing to the bags.</p><p>“Kakashi-sensei said to bring all our ninja gear, since we'd need it,” Sakura reminded him impatiently.</p><p>“Where's yours?” Sasuke asked with narrowed eyes as he scanned the blonde's barely-burdened form. A small lump in one pocket, a whip at one hip, and the staff didn't really look like much in the way of ninja gear.</p><p>“I've got seals on my gloves that pull whatever I want from a cupboard back home that's also covered in seals,” Naruto answered. “Took all year to get right, but it's <em>so</em> worth it, to not have to lug a big bag around like you two.”</p><p>Sasuke narrowed his eyes further, now they were just slits of superiority and dislike in his pretty, pale face. “You will make <em>me</em> a pair of gloves like those, and a cupboard,” he said. Stated with certainty. Ordered.</p><p>“Like hell,” Naruto answered. “Do it yourself.”</p><p>Sasuke's eyes went wide and Sakura started yelling at him about respecting Sasuke-kun, and how he should be honoured to do anything for Sasuke-kun, and how dare he refuse Sasuke-kun, and it went on for ten minutes before she realised that Naruto wasn't listening to her at all.</p><p>Naruto set himself to doing warm-ups with his staff for the first hour after that, just the basics that Hakkai had started him off with ages ago. He didn't want to work up a sweat after all, just get his muscles pleasantly warmed. When, at the end of that first hour, Naruto pulled out his muesli bar, he <em>heard</em> not only Sakura's stomach growl, but Sasuke's as well.</p><p>“Kakashi-sensei said not to eat,” Sakura said furiously. Whether she was angry at herself for her stomach begging for food, or angry at Naruto for ignoring Kakashi wasn't entirely clear.</p><p>Naruto ignored her and took a bite of his snack.</p><p>Both of their stomachs growled again, and when Sasuke launched himself at Naruto – clearly after the food for himself – Naruto just hopped over him and perched on top of his perfectly upright and suspiciously steady bo-staff. Sakura got in on the action then, swiping at the bottom of the staff in an attempt to send Naruto tumbling. It failed when Naruto did a neat little jump-and-kick combination that meant the staff did a full flip and he could land on the <em>other</em> end, as it was now upright <em>again</em>, just the other way up. Again, it was suspiciously steady.</p><p>Naruto took another bite of his muesli bar and was very careful <em>not</em> to smile. It wasn't a smiling matter after all. Sasuke had attempted a <em>tackle</em> of all things, and Sakura's leg-swipe had done more damage to the girl than her target. Where had the years of training gone all of a sudden?</p><p>The battle for the breakfast bar continued a good half-hour after Naruto had finished eating it, and that only because Sasuke finally noticed it wasn't there to be stolen any more. When Sakura noticed why her crush had stopped attacking, she collapsed where she'd stood, exhausted and even <em>more</em> hungry than before.</p><p>Fun for Naruto, counter-productive for his team mates.</p><p>It was another hour before Kakashi showed up. Sakura, in her <em>infinite</em> wisdom, yelled at the man who was supposed to be teaching them. She'd done that yesterday too, and it hadn't phased the guy then either. He'd just stated that his first impression was that he hated them. Naruto got the feeling that what the man <em>really </em>hated was the assignment of having a genin team at all.</p><p>Actually, once they'd gotten up to the roof, it had been half-way amusing to introduce himself to them all. Neither the Uchiha or Haruno had said anything Naruto hadn't expected, but he'd clearly left both them <em>and</em> his sensei completely baffled with <em>his</em> brief introduction.</p><p>“Uzumaki Naruto, I like the people who live in my apartment building, I don't like either of you,” he'd shot a pointed look at Sakura and Sasuke when he said that, “and one of my hobbies is dancing.”</p><p>Yeah, that had thrown all of them <em>completely</em> off kilter. Not the part where he didn't like them. Having already been informed of Kakashi's first impression, it wasn't a big deal really. It was that he claimed <em>dancing</em> as a hobby. He'd kind of wanted to say 'erotic dancing', but... most twelve-year-olds shouldn't even know what erotic dancing <em>was</em>.</p><p> </p><p>~oOo~</p><p> </p><p>“You have to take one of these two bells from me,” Kakashi informed them happily, and held up the two silver cat-bells on their little ninja wires in his left hand. With his right hand, he set an alarm clock on top of a wooden post. “Any of you failing to do so before noon will return to the academy.”</p><p>“That might be more reasonable if you'd been here on time!” Sakura yelled at him. “Because you were late, that means we've only got an hour!”</p><p>“An hour and counting!” Kakashi corrected happily as he tied the bells to his flack vest. Then he produced – from where they had no idea – three bento boxes. “And for those who pass, I have packed lunches for you.”</p><p>Naruto smirked to see the sudden focus on the faces of his team mates. They'd been denied food <em>once</em> already this morning. They didn't want to miss out a second time.</p><p>“Finally, you should come at me with intent to kill if you want to even have a chance at passing,” Kakashi proclaimed. “Go!”</p><p>Sakura and Sasuke vanished into the trees. That last bit from Kakashi probably reminded them that they <em>had</em> been trained as ninja, and therefore had skills.</p><p>Naruto grabbed the handle of his whip, not even bothering to unhitch it from his side or uncoil it before he snapped it out. The crack of the whip was followed by the gentle tingling of one of the bells, and as Kakashi, surprised, had jumped back from the sudden attack, Naruto didn't have to contend with him when he dashed in to catch the bell that he'd snapped free from Kakashi's vest.</p><p>With the bell stashed in the pocket that his muesli bar had been in earlier, Naruto re-coiled his whip with a smirk on his face. Gojyo would have been so <em>proud</em> to see how he'd done that. Gojyo called it 'cold whipping', and it was important when using the whip as a weapon. It wasn't always possible to uncoil a whip and give it a few warm-up flicks before using it.</p><p>It was also dead hard, and Naruto had worked long and hard to be able to do that. All those hours and days and weeks and months had <em>so</em> paid off. Getting results felt <em>good</em>.</p><p>Kakashi looked down at his vest when he spotted that smile on the blonde boy's face, and his single eye widened in surprise while his eyebrow rose in shock. He was down a bell! That hadn't <em>ever</em> happened before. It looked like he'd have one student at least, until the next class graduated and Naruto was reassigned, or another genin team lost a member and Naruto was assigned with them. Of course, this was assuming that the other two failed. They probably would, but they might yet surprise him.</p><p>They didn't, in the end. When the buzzer on the alarm clock sounded, the Uchiha was buried up to his chin and the girl was unconscious from the horror of a little genjutsu. Kakashi collected them up and had them sit in front of the monument for those killed in action. Okay, so technically they were both tied to wooden logs in front of the black stone monument, and Sakura was gagged so that she wouldn't interrupt with her yelling, but these were minor details.</p><p>“Two out of three of you won't make it as genin,” Kakashi informed them coldly, his dark eye moving from Sakura to Sasuke and back again. “At least one of you would most likely die in your first confrontation with an enemy,” he continued. “If you had worked together, this might change, but you didn't. Furthermore, you have shown nothing to prove that you would, or could, successfully work with each other. If you <em>had</em> worked together, I would have passed you. You didn't, so only Uzumaki passes for having successfully stolen a bell from me.”</p><p>“What about lunch?” Sasuke managed to ask through gritted teeth.</p><p>“Oh! Thank you for reminding me!” Kakashi said brightly, and handed one bento over to Naruto while keeping one for himself and sitting down. “Let's eat!” he declared happily.</p><p>Naruto laughed and did as bid.</p><p>“Not again,” Sasuke wailed softly, his head falling forward in despair after he'd seen Naruto lift the first bite of Kakashi's very neat boxed lunch to his mouth.</p><p>“You know, Teme,” Naruto said, his tone conversational and pleasant even as he insulted Sasuke. “I would be happy to share this lunch with you.”</p><p>Sasuke's head snapped up.</p><p>“You just have to <em>admit</em> that you're not the most awesome person in Konoha by dint of being an Uchiha, and <em>ask nicely</em> of course,” Naruto said pointedly, though his tone was still polite enough.</p><p>Sasuke's eager look disappeared as he hung his head once more. He didn't say anything from that moment until Naruto had completely finished his lunch and thanked Kakashi for the excellent food.</p><p>“You're welcome Naruto,” Kakashi answered as he took back the box and vanished it somewhere about his person. “Come along now, we need to report the results of this genin test to the Hokage.”</p><p>Naruto nodded and stood to go.</p><p>If Sakura hadn't been gagged, they would have heard her screaming at them to release her and Sasuke.</p><p>“So, why only offer to Sasuke?” Kakashi asked as they walked towards the Hokage Tower.</p><p>Naruto shrugged. “We'd have had to remove Sakura's gag for her to eat,” he pointed out, “and I wanted to know if food or pride was more important to the self-important prick. It should <em>not</em> have been that hard for him.”</p><p>Kakashi nodded, accepting the truths in what Naruto had said.</p><p> </p><p>~oOo~</p><p> </p><p>Naruto, the first time he was given the mission to retrieve the cat of the Daimyo's wife, set a Konoha record. He retrieved 'that demonic feline' – as it was known by the other genin and recently promoted chunin – in under half an hour and without a scratch or bite-mark anywhere on him. Hell, he even brought it in <em>purring in its sleep</em>.</p><p>When the chunin on the missions desk that day asked Naruto how he'd done it, Naruto had grinned silently.</p><p>“Aww, come on Uzumaki!” the chunin entreated. “I've got <em>scars</em> from that beast! Tell me how you did it, <em>please</em>?”</p><p>Naruto chuckled. “There was catnip involved,” he relented. He'd also used his whip a bit to herd the animal <em>towards</em> the catnip, and then made sure that the cat associated <em>him</em> (and the whip) with the catnip and drug-induced happiness and all things good before attempting to extricate the animal.</p><p>After setting such a stunning precedent, Naruto took the Tora missions whenever some other genin team hadn't already been sentenced to it. Of course, he took other missions as well. D-ranks, since Kakashi didn't want to take him on an out-of-the-village mission until he was certain of Naruto's skill-level. Which meant that Kakashi had to actually <em>train</em> Naruto, and because it was one-on-one training, Naruto benefited a great deal from it.</p><p>He learnt more about chakra control and channelling chakra from Kakashi in just a few months than he had in several years at the Academy. If he channelled chakra through his whip, then it was practically a living extension of his will now if he wanted it to be, which was awesome. Naruto learned a few defensive ninjutsu, a few offensive ninjutsu, and he learned about fighting against a <em>ninja</em> with the staff, rather than just his peers (who had no idea about <em>any</em> weapon really, though a couple of them had family taijutsu styles) or against Hakkai (who <em>really</em> knew the staff, though only enough of other weapons to defend against bandits wielding them).</p><p>Kakashi had to wait a bit longer to get Naruto any mission higher than D-rank than he thought he might have if the whole team had passed. His reasoning was that since there would only be him and Naruto, the kid wouldn't have anybody else to watch his back if Kakashi got into a confrontation with an 'enemy'. This in turn meant Naruto had to be more capable of defending himself than any other kid who'd been a genin for the same amount of time.</p><p>That Naruto could use the Kage Bunshin no Jutsu to learn at an accelerated rate was very helpful towards this goal, but it was still a bit later than Kakashi would have allowed a C-rank if he'd had a full team. Well, a full team that worked well together at any rate. If he'd actually had the other two members of the assigned 'team seven', then it would probably have been a couple of months more, unless his own boredom with the D-ranks had gotten to him first. Hmm. Oh well. No sense in dwelling on things that would never be.</p><p>The first C-rank that Naruto received was an orders delivery and report collection from a Konoha outpost on the boarder of Fire Country and River Country. He and Kakashi were to take orders to the outpost to ready themselves for a changing of the guard. The guys out there would be coming back to Konoha shortly after their replacements reached them. Naruto and Kakashi were to also bring back the written reports of any and all boarder activity since that particular rotation of guards had been out there. It would be too juicy a target for enemy nin if those returning to Konoha were <em>also</em> carrying all the reports. The two always reached Konohagakure separately.</p><p>The journey out was uneventful, the brief layover at the outpost introduced Naruto to new people and gave him and Kakashi a chance to see how he stacked up against a few different opponents, and the journey back was quiet. A successful C-rank in which nobody died or nearly died or anything terrible happened at all.</p><p>Naruto's second C-rank, a joint mission with a small team of chunin to rout a bandit camp, also went fairly well. There was fighting, so there were injuries, but Naruto thought he did rather well with it. Even if he <em>was</em> a bit shaky afterwards while the chunin sifted through the now-dead bandit's belongings. Kakashi laid a silent, firm hand on Naruto's shoulder and stood by him until the shakes passed, then quietly told him to start looking for anything he wanted among the dead bodies before they were buried.</p><p>Naruto took a few rather light money-pouches and a collection of rings and necklaces that one of the bandits had been hoarding.</p><p>“What are you going to do with all that jewellery, Uzumaki-san?” one of the chunin asked.</p><p>Naruto managed a weak smile for the man. “I'm good friends with the people who share my apartment building, so I'm bringing home presents,” he explained.</p><p>The chunin team laughed genially at Naruto's explanation, and Kakashi messed up his hair fondly. He really was proud of the brat. The way Naruto had used his staff and his whip had been incredible, and Kakashi had seen Naruto catch a bandit around the face with his whip, then pull the bandit backwards onto his back, saving a chunin who hadn't been aware of the enemy that had managed to get behind him.</p><p>That moment had reassured Kakashi that Naruto was capable of working in a team with others. He'd sometimes worried about that, what with how the initial genin test had gone. Even if he couldn't fault the boy for not wanting to be on a team with the two he'd been set with.</p><p>Their third C-rank mission, however... well, third time's the charm, as the saying goes.</p><p> </p><p>~oOo~</p><p> </p><p>“Just these two to protect me?” the drunken old man asked, incredulous through his inebriation. “The short one doesn't look like he'd stand up to a stiff wind!”</p><p>Naruto calmly placed the end of his bo-staff gently against the client's wind-pipe. He had well and truly learnt by now to let insults roll off him like water off a duck's back, but he still wasn't above little shows to prove those insulting him were wrong to do so.</p><p>“My last mission had my first kill,” Naruto informed the man in a steady tone. “I brought back souvenirs.”</p><p>Kakashi chuckled and messed up Naruto's hair fondly, though didn't reprimand him to stop scaring the client. Ninja were <em>supposed</em> to be intimidating after all, and it wasn't like Naruto was actually making an outright <em>threat</em>.</p><p>The man's vision was also clearly impaired. Naruto, for all that he wasn't bulky, was clearly muscled. It wasn't bulky muscle, but rather flat and wiry muscle. Carefully controlled and tightly leashed power, just waiting to explode into a flurry of movement.</p><p>“Alright Naruto,” Kakashi said at last. “Go and pack for an extended mission. We'll meet at the Northern Gate in two hours.”</p><p>Naruto nodded and withdrew his weapon from the client's neck slowly, then disappeared.</p><p>Back at his apartment, the girls were crowded around him while Gojyo and Hakkai stood back, watching the scene with amusement.</p><p>“You're leaving again?” Eri-chan asked with a pout.</p><p>“But you just got back from a mission!” Suzume-chan protested.</p><p>“We <em>miss</em> you Cutie-Pop!” Ren-chan insisted.</p><p>“You're never here any more,” Chika-chan agreed, her full lower lip sticking out just a bit more than it usually did.</p><p>Naruto laughed. They'd done this to him before his previous mission as well. That time, Gojyo and Hakkai had put a stop to the girl's teasing and false tears since Naruto was genuinely distressed at their disappointment. This time, he knew better.</p><p>“I'm going to miss you all while I'm gone too,” he promised them. “This is just a guard duty mission, so it should be fairly calm. I'll bring back souvenirs and send you all love letters while I'm gone.”</p><p>The girls all laughed happily, dropping their long-faced façade. Based on the seal structure all over his gloves that allowed Naruto to summon whatever he wanted from his cupboard – which was also covered in seals, and more importantly based on the ability to send things <em>back</em> to that cupboard, so that he didn't have to carry them around once he'd summoned them, Naruto had created a sort of mail box which let him reverse-summon letters from wherever he was to the seal-covered box that was nestled among all the other letter boxes in front of the apartment building.</p><p>Gojyo or Hakkai checked it whenever they were coming or going when Naruto wasn't in the village, and slipped the 'love letters' that Naruto sent into the box of the girl the letter was for. Or read it themselves if it was for them, and Naruto <em>did</em> sometimes send his 'love notes' to Gojyo and Hakkai as well, which was always good for a laugh.</p><p>All the same, Naruto had to pack his camping gear and a few changes of underwear to get him through the mission. He then submitted to kisses goodbye from all the girls, as well as Gojyo and Hakkai messing up his hair, before leaving the building to meet Kakashi and the client at the designated gate.</p><p>Kakashi's visible eyebrow raised at all the lipstick marks on Naruto's cheeks.</p><p>Naruto shrugged in response to his sensei's silent question. “They miss me when I leave,” he explained.</p><p>Kakashi chuckled and shook his head. “Some time, Naruto, you have to invite me to your apartment to <em>meet</em> these people who miss you so much when you are assigned missions out of the village.”</p><p>Naruto smiled. “Sure,” he agreed. He liked his sensei, and he was fairly sure that the ladies would like him too. Heck, probably even Gojyo and Hakkai would like Kakashi. “Now will you help me get rid of the marks before the drunk shows up?” he asked.</p><p>Kakashi laughed, then produced a cloth and a bottle of water. “Come here,” he commanded fondly.</p><p>Once all the lipstick marks were cleaned off, they headed out.</p><p>Naruto took point and Kakashi the rear-guard, naturally putting the client between them.</p><p>They'd been walking for a while when Naruto spotted it. Really, it was ridiculously out of place. A puddle <em>that</em> large by the side of the road, without any sign of evaporating <em>at all</em>, on such a sunny day? No, it just wouldn't fly. He also knew Kakashi would spot it, and if there were ninja out setting an ambush – because a genjutsu like that meant <em>ninja</em> and <em>not</em> bandits – then the options were that they were after the client, or they were after the bounty that was on Kakashi's head from one of the other shinobi nations.</p><p>Subtly, Naruto loosened his pack on his shoulders so that he could drop it quickly when – not if, <em>when</em> – the fight began.</p><p>Kakashi had just gone a few paces past the puddle when the enemy ninja burst forth, clawed chains rushing the masked jounin. Of course, a man does not train with a <em>whip user</em> and not learn how to dodge such a weapon.</p><p>Naruto dropped his pack and swung his staff out to catch the assailant coming from the left in the stomach and propelling him into a tree-trunk. Upon contact between tree-trunk and head, there was a fleshy crack. Kakashi clotheslined and sucker-punched the ninja who came from the right.</p><p>“A little something you failed to mention, hmm?” Kakashi suggested to the old man they were escorting.</p><p>When the <em>next</em> enemy nin showed up, Naruto grabbed the client and dragged him away – gagged for now so that he couldn't give away their position – and hid the man while Kakashi did battle with the <em>other</em> mask-wearing jounin.</p><p>Using a hollow reed to breathe through, Naruto watched the confrontation from underwater. It was going pretty well in general. Kakashi didn't have to worry about protecting the client or Naruto from the other guy, which was a bonus. Just when it looked like Kakashi could finish the whole thing, a third party joined the fight, incapacitating the enemy nin and carrying him off.</p><p>“So, who was that anyway Kakashi-sensei?” Naruto asked as he waded out of the river, dragging the client after him – a hollow reed also sticking out of the old man's mouth for <em>him</em> to breathe through while they'd been underwater.</p><p>“Momochi Zabuza,” Kakashi answered lowly, and then he turned his solemn black eye to the client. “It seems that Gato -” the client had explained his situation on the boat-ride over, seeded with much 'emotional blackmail' to make sure they didn't leave him as soon as they made land, “- is more than just interested in stopping your work.”</p><p>When they got to the bridge builder's house, Naruto sent a letter back home for Gojyo or Hakkai to deliver to the Hokage for him. The letter also had the heads of the two 'demon brothers' that they had defeated earlier sealed at the bottom of the page. Two hours later – a time pre-determined in his letter to the Hokage – Naruto attempted to summon a reply. There was none. He'd keep trying every hour, on the hour, until he received a response.</p><p>The eventual reply was as follows: “Back up on the way. Password is 'fox in the hen-house'. New orders include assassination of Gato and acquisition of his assets.”</p><p>Naruto passed the note with the Hokage's stamp at the bottom along to Kakashi, who messed up his hair proudly before ordering him on guard duty for the family while Kakashi kept an eye on the client specifically until whoever was being sent arrived. The note was destroyed as soon as they had both read it.</p><p>The back up that was sent turned out to be an AnBu, female by the build, and she had secured Gato's head and assets before she had been with them for two full days. She did <em>not</em> walk back to Konoha with Kakashi and Naruto. Naruto, on the other hand, got to meet a boy called Haku, who was the 'hunter nin' who had 'taken out' Momochi. The boy was collecting medicinal herbs to help the missing nin get better. It wasn't any business of Konoha's that the Demon of the Bloody Mist lived or died, as with Gato dead he was no longer after their client. Perhaps not very tidy, but that was life for you.</p><p> </p><p>~oOo~</p><p> </p><p>“The chuunin exam?” Naruto asked in surprise as Kakashi handed him an entry paper.</p><p>“I think you're ready,” the silver-haired man informed him simply. “Besides, they're being held in Konoha this time, and there's a team that had one member pass last cycle, so you'll be able to slot in with them for this exam.”</p><p>Naruto nodded, a smile spreading across his face.</p><p>The other two genin he would be on a team with were, of course, older than himself and had taken the exam before in a different country. Still, as part of their team-bonding, they gave him a run-down of what it had been last time, so that he might have <em>some</em> idea of what to expect <em>this</em> time.</p><p>Their names were Yahiko and Tashigi, and they <em>both</em> carried swords, which meant that Naruto was introduced to a new chakra control exercise: sword walking.</p><p>It wasn't that he had to walk on the swords, as such, as be able to – instantaneously – be able to have enough chakra over his feet for him to be able to land on, then bounce off the <em>edge</em> of a blade in order to borrow momentum. Without damaging the blade or his foot-wear at all.</p><p>The first step of that was being able to just stand on the edge of a dull blade. The second was to do the same on a sharp blade without dulling it. The third was to walk along the blade, retracting his chakra from his feet each time it came away from the blade (which is where the name of the exercise came from). The final step was that momentum-borrowing 'bounce'.</p><p>So, while Naruto had a squad of ten clones working on the chakra exercises, he <em>personally</em> was a participant of team-bonding exercises with Yahiko and Tashigi. Two <em>completely</em> different people, even if they <em>did</em> both use swords.</p><p>Yahiko was the 'disgrace' son of a samurai. Even as a ninja though, he believed in a sort of samurai philosophy, convoluted as it was. It was along the lines of “a sword is designed to kill, and with this one sword I will protect the handful of people in the street and in my home”... or something.</p><p>Tashigi was just a sword-nerd. She knew “all about every sword, ever”, approximately speaking, and grilled Naruto on every detail he could remember of Kakashi's fight with Zabuza as it pertained to the Mist nin's massive sword. Naruto learnt a <em>lot</em> of technical sword-jargon from Tashigi.</p><p>Also as part of the preparation for the chuunin exam, Kakashi took to the side-lines of training, just watching as Kyo (a black-haired man with a mild case of either Multiple Personality Disorder or Bi-Polar Disorder, and who was the jounin-sensei for Yahiko and Tashigi) took the metaphorical reigns and made sure that they all got along and worked well together – or else. Kyo-sensei was also going to be the official jounin-sensei for the team, as his students outnumbered Kakashi's two to one. Basic math really.</p><p>Then came the day of the first stage of the chuunin exams. Silently, they slipped past the crowd that had congregated and become congested on level two, and continued on to level three where they were <em>supposed</em> to be.</p><p>“Oi Naruto!” a voice called once the team was in the testing room.</p><p>Yahiko laid a hand on the blonde's shoulder and gave a squeeze. “You catch up with your classmates, we'll go catch up with ours. Re-group when the examiners show up,” he said.</p><p>Naruto nodded and turned his attention to Kiba, who was followed by Hinata, Shino, Shikamaru, Chouji and Ino, and was the one who had called his name.</p><p>“Where's Sasuke-kun and Forehead Girl?” Ino asked. “You were assigned to be on their team, weren't you?”</p><p>Naruto shrugged. “They didn't make the grade,” he answered easily. “Kakashi-sensei explained that, on average, only about a third of all Academy graduates make it to full genin each cycle. Some years a little more, some a little less. This year,” he rolled his shoulders casually, “a little less.”</p><p>“And how did <em>you</em> make the grade if Sasuke-kun didn't!?” Ino nearly screeched.</p><p>Naruto was not the only boy to raise his pinky finger and twiddle it in the ear closest to the blonde girl, trying to make the ringing stop. In fact, Shikamaru, Chouji, Kiba and Shino <em>all</em> did as well. So did Hinata actually, and getting a timid, shy, ultimately polite girl like her to do something like that meant that the noise was <em>bad</em>.</p><p>“He was too proud to be smart,” Naruto answered shortly, then rather blatantly turned away from her to give his attention to the other genin he'd been in classes with. “So, what sort of missions did your sensei lump you with?” he asked the other boys.</p><p>“<em>Tora</em>,” they all hissed as one, even Shino and Hinata joined in with the hateful tone, which would have surprised Naruto as they were normally very level, quiet and polite sorts of people...</p><p>Naruto suppressed the smirk that wanted to slide onto his face. After all, Tora <em>loved him</em>, and he was the envy of all the mission-desk chunins who had ever had that mission themselves because of it. Instead, he 'winced in sympathy', as though he shared their hatred of the animal in question.</p><p>“Ah,” he said. “I think the only reason there were times that I <em>didn't</em> get the Tora mission was because someone else picked it up before Kakashi-sensei and I got into the missions room,” he offered, and it was approximately the truth too, he was just making it sound like he hated it rather than was finding it amusing.</p><p>“Alright you lot, pipe down!” a deep voice yelled from the front of the room, and Naruto took that as his cue to excuse himself from his year-mates and re-join his team-mates.</p><p>The 'written' test was certainly interesting, Naruto mused to himself as he processed the rules that had been laid out by Morino-san once they'd taken their seats. Rules which said two points off every time you're <em>caught</em> cheating. That, plus the fact that Naruto recognised the chunin on his left (Hinata was on his right), rather suggested to Naruto that the important thing at this stage was to <em>not get caught</em>, while also making sure he had the information he gathered <em>through</em> his cheating correct.</p><p>Subtly, Naruto copied the answers from the chunin on his left, then cross-checked them with Hinata on his right, and did his best to figure out the theory of the questions so that he could do a third check. He didn't have time to triple-check <em>all</em> of his nine answers before Morino-san called for pencils down and their full attention.</p><p>As soon as the examiner said that they had a <em>choice</em> to take the final question or not, Naruto stopped listening. There were no <em>choices</em> when it came to accepting missions, unless there were an abundance of D-ranks to pick from. If you were given a mission, you took it. That was that. Passing the chunin exam was his current mission, and he would <em>not</em> disappoint Kakashi-sensei, Gojyo, Hakkai, or any of the ladies by failing, especially so early on. He was planning on taking Kakashi-sensei (and possibly Kyo-sensei, Yahiko and Tashigi) to Gojyo and Hakkai's club to celebrate passing, as well as finally introducing Kakashi-sensei to everybody.</p><p>When the chicken-nins and less-than-bright-sparks had left, and Morino-san had given his speech to the confused others still present, a window crashed inwards and a woman stood there who was wearing about as much clothing, proportionately, as Ran-chan did when she was about to step out onto the stage, and Ran-chan was the 'conservative one'. It was a considerably more trashy-looking than any of the ladies wore though. Naruto was just used to a bit more <em>style</em> in well-proportioned women of that age.</p><p>What was the world coming to when exotic dancers and sometimes-strippers have more style than a tokubetsu-jounin of the Konohagakure ninja corps?</p><p>He nabbed a bit of paper on the way out, and once he'd gotten instructions from Mitarashi-san he wrote a note for Gojyo and Hakkai to pass on to the girls when they checked the mail-box saying that he would be restricted to one of the training grounds for the next five days, and could they please put some packeted snacks and bottled water into his cupboard for him to summon as needed?</p><p> </p><p>~oOo~</p><p> </p><p>“Ladies and Gents!” Gojyo announced to the club from the stage. “A young man who is very special to all of the ladies, as well as Hakkai and myself, came home from surviving and passing the second stage of the chunin exams yesterday,” the tanned, red-eyed man announced with a rakish grin.</p><p>Mild applause answered him.</p><p>The grin on Gojyo's face became a smirk. “So, to congratulate him, and because he's finally brought his jounin-sensei around to meet us all, the ladies decided to put on a bit of a show.”</p><p>
  <em>That</em>
  <span> got a </span>
  <em>lot</em>
  <span> more applause as the music began and Gojyo got off the stage to join Hakkai, Kakashi and Naruto at a table near to the stage. Kyo-sensei, Yahiko and Tashigi had all declined when Naruto invited them.</span>
</p><p>“<em>These</em><span> are the people you live with?” Kakashi asked, his voice a hoarse whisper in Naruto's ear.</span></p><p>Naruto grinned and nodded.</p><p>“Guess that explains all the lipstick marks,” Kakashi decided as he straightened in his seat and fixed his gaze on the stage.</p><p>Naruto, Gojyo and Hakkai laughed at the man as Kotori-chan flung aside the curtain, letting herself as well as Kyoku-chan and Cho-chan through and out onto the stage.</p><p>
  <span>Throughout the show, Kakashi's jaw, masked though it was, hung open. It was a good thing he </span>
  <em>was</em>
  <span> wearing a mask too, or something might have flown into that conveniently open orifice. Perhaps a smoke or a potent drink courtesy of Gojyo, but </span>
  <em>something</em>
  <span> all the same. The reason for this was that as he watched the girls dance on the stage, he was recognising moves that Naruto had pulled when they were training or on missions together.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That spin that Kotori-chan had done on the pole, where she was practically parallel to the floor and holding on with just her hands as she spun – Kakashi had seen Naruto do that with his staff to change direction fast and take out an opponent at the same time. That back-flip that Momo-chan did across the front of the stage – Kakashi had felt the effects of that when Naruto wanted to put space between them and make sure he'd have a slightly disadvantaged opponent once he </span>
  <em>got</em>
  <span> that space (due to height differences, it caught Kakashi in the ribs rather than under the chin like it did with people who more closely matched Naruto's stature). The way Eri-chan pulled herself up the pole with just her hands and did a perfect split while she was up there – Kakashi had seen Naruto pull himself up his staff and perch at the top on his palms, legs out straight in just the same way. The way Saki-chan and Suzume-chan held themselves upside-down and perfectly still when hanging from lengths of blood-red fabric that he'd thought were curtains, and then the way they spun themselves down with such elegant – and leggy – grace... It looked </span>
  <em>just like</em>
  <span> what Naruto did when he used his whip to pull himself up out of Kakashi's way when they were sparring, and then came back down again to devastating effect.</span>
</p><p>Another lady – Ran-chan – was at their table and whispering in Naruto's ear and leading him away before Kakashi even knew what was going on. The next thing he knew, Ran-chan and a blonde with startlingly blue eyes were dancing their way onto the stage.</p><p>“Na-chan!” Gojyo called up to the stage. “You forgot this!”</p><p>
  <span>Kakashi's eyes (yes, he'd uncovered his sharingan. There was no way in </span>
  <em>hell</em>
  <span> he was missing this after all, or forgetting it, </span>
  <em>ever</em>
  <span>!) boggled as Gojyo tossed a very familiar whip up to the blonde, who caught it with practised ease as she twirled on the stage, cracking it in such a way that had just about every man watching the show going bright-eyed with appreciation.</span>
</p><p>“<span>That's... Naruto's whip...” Kakashi said quietly as he watched the beautiful blonde strut and dance and move and </span><em>crack the whip</em><span>.</span></p><p>Gojyo smirked. Hakkai laughed and lay a gentle hand on Kakashi's shoulder.</p><p>“That's Naruto,” the green-eyed brunette explained quietly.</p><p>
  <span>Kakashi choked. He </span>
  <em>wanted</em>
  <span> to say that henge didn't </span>
  <em>do</em>
  <span> that. That Naruto shouldn't be able to interact with the pole and his dance partner like that without the henge dispelling. Before he could get his brain cells to line up properly again and communicate those words to his vocal chords and mouth, he had a lap full of beautiful, sexy, scantily clad, </span>
  <em>female</em>
  <span> Naruto. Naruto who was gently teasing down his mask to the appreciative hoots and hollers of all the other men in the room – including Gojyo and Hakkai. Naruto who had several hundred ryou shoved into </span>
  <em>his</em>
  <span> garter and C-cups and tiny little anklets and lacy wrist bands.</span>
</p><p>“I knew you were handsome under there,” Naruto breathed across Kakashi's lips, and then with a smirk, Naruto pecked a tiny kiss to the corner of Kakashi's mouth before flipping back onto stage before Kakashi could react.</p><p>Kakashi was frozen, unable to even pull his mask back up, but Gojyo was kind enough to only snicker at Kakashi's impersonation of a fish, rather than take advantage of it.</p><p>“Give me a kiss too, Na-chan! Please!”</p><p>The begging call rippled around the room, and Naruto teased them all by smiling coyly, rolling 'her' hips, spinning on the ball of one high-heeled foot, cracking the whip over her head, then disappearing under the pyrotechnics.</p><p>Then Naruto was back in his chair beside his sensei. Upon seeing that Kakashi was still suffering from general shock, Naruto kindly shut his sensei's mouth for him and put his mask back into place.</p><p>“Breathe, Kakashi-sensei,” Naruto instructed fondly. “Breathe deeply.”</p><p>A very short time later, while Cho-chan was performing one of her popular staple numbers, Kakashi ducked over to the bar and purchased “the largest bottle of whatever is your most potent” - which he then proceeded to drink like water for a full six seconds before Gojyo, Hakkai and Naruto noticed his choice of liquor.</p><p>“Gah!” they all three yelped when the spotted the label.</p><p>Gojyo grabbed the bottle. Hakkai confiscated the glass. Naruto checked Kakashi's pulse and pupil dilation.</p><p>“<span>How is he, Kid?” Gojyo asked nervously, while trading the glass for the bottle with Hakkai. His green-eyed partner needed to have a little </span><em>talk</em><span> with whoever was running the bar. The did </span><em>not</em><span> sell that stuff by the bottle, </span><em>ever</em><span>. Hakkai was the only person either of them had ever met who could hold the stuff for more than one tiny shot-glass worth, but Hakkai was a machine when it came to alcohol tolerance. The slim man could drink </span><em>anybody</em><span> under the table and you'd never know he'd even been drinking. Hakkai had won a </span><em>lot</em><span> of drinking contests when he and Gojyo were still travelling.</span></p><p>“<span>Fine,” Kakashi answered before Naruto could. “Give me the glass back, please. I </span><em>did</em><span> pay for that...” and then Kakashi went from sensible to snoring as he fell forward onto Naruto.</span></p><p>“I'll take him home,” Naruto said firmly when Hakkai came back, Kakashi's money in hand where the bottle had been.</p><p>“You know where he lives?” Hakkai asked as he handed the ryou over to Naruto, who in turn tucked it into one of the pockets of his comatose sensei.</p><p>Naruto shook his head in answer. “I'll take him back to my apartment. I wouldn't want to leave him alone anyway,” he explained.</p><p>Gojyo and Hakkai both smiled the apologetic smiles of people who felt at fault for something done by somebody else when they were supposed to be responsible for them.</p><p>Gojyo reached over and ruffled Naruto's hair. “You're a good kid,” he told the boy. “You want me to bring up my hangover cure tomorrow morning?” he offered.</p><p>
  <span>Naruto shook his head with a rueful smile on his lips. “If he wakes up tomorrow morning, he won't be hung over, he'll still be drunk. I'll put up some seals to keep the lights dim and prevent sound from travelling from one room to another, make him something substantial to eat. If the hangover hits him, I know how to make a </span>
  <em>proper</em>
  <span> Prairie Oyster.”</span>
</p><p>“<span>Hey!” Gojyo objected as Naruto hefted his sensei like a hunter hefts a hunted deer or boar. “What's wrong with the way </span><em>I</em><span> make 'em?”</span></p><p>“<span>Gojyo, you put </span><em>alcohol</em><span> in your </span><em>hangover cure</em><span>,” Naruto said slowly. “That's just turning it into a weird cocktail.”</span></p><p>Gojyo grumbled, but smiled and waved with Hakkai as Naruto left them behind in the building before carefully using the shunshin technique to take him to his apartment building.</p><p>
  <span>Having kage bunshin to help him learn more stuff, faster, was </span>
  <em>so</em>
  <span> useful sometimes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>~oOo~</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kakashi rose to a vaguely conscious level, briefly, a couple of times during the night and in the morning. Every time, Naruto was on hand to give him a little bit of water to drink and a mouthful of hot food before he fell asleep again. When he eventually woke up </span>
  <em>properly</em>
  <span> it was almost two in the afternoon.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His head was </span>
  <em>killing</em>
  <span> him, and it was only the anti-torture training from his AnBu days that kept him from giving voice to his pain. He did not, after all, recognise the room he was in, nor the bed though it was very comfortable.</span>
</p><p>“Here Kakashi-sensei,” Naruto said softly, padding quickly into the room on cat-quiet feet, a large bowl of rice with finely chopped vegetables and shredded chicken in one hand, and a large glass of cool water in the other. “You'll feel better if you eat something.”</p><p>“Naruto?” Kakashi asked, furrowing his brow in confusion, even as he accepted the bowl and chopsticks from the boy. He knew it wasn't a genjutsu, his chakra was still too messed up from whatever he'd done to incur the wrath of this hangover to allow a genjutsu to take on him. “What happened?”</p><p>“<span>You decided to try drinking Hangman like it was water,” Naruto answered, a very slight smirk on his face. “That was </span><em>not</em><span> an at </span><em>all</em><span> intelligent thing to do Kakashi-sensei,” he reprimanded, though his voice was still soft in deference to the obvious pain the man in his bed was feeling. “When you passed out, I brought you to my place, since I don't really know where </span><em>you</em><span> live.”</span></p><p>Kakashi set his chopsticks in the bowl and extended a slightly shaking had towards the glass of water that Naruto was still holding for him.</p><p>
  <span>Naruto pushed the hand away and gently set the edge of the glass to his sensei's lips. He </span>
  <em>had</em>
  <span> of course removed Kakashi's mask in case of vomiting in the night, it also made it easier to feed the heavily inebriated man.</span>
</p><p>“<span>Hangman is normally only sold to civilians,” Naruto continued to explain. “Their ID always has their home address on it you see, so when they pass out Gojyo and Hakkai can load them in a cart and have someone take them home. Ninja ID doesn't have that sort of detail on it. Of course, Hangman isn't supposed to be sold by the bottle, ever. Hakkai had </span><em>words</em><span> with the man who sold you it, as well as getting your money back since he'd confiscated the bottle.”</span></p><p>Kakashi nodded in acceptance of this, quickly bringing a hand to his head as the motion had caused a sensation similar to being pounded with a large mallet.</p><p>Naruto sighed and got up from his seat beside the bed, leaving the room. He came back two minutes later with a glass of... something.</p><p>“What's that?” Kakashi asked suspiciously.</p><p>“Prairie Oyster,” Naruto answered. “Hangover cure.”</p><p>
  <span>Kakashi's bleary black eye lit up at those two magic words and set the bowl down in his lap so that he could reach out </span>
  <em>both</em>
  <span> hands for the glass, he even made 'gimme' finger-twitches.</span>
</p><p>Naruto stifled a chuckle and handed it over, smirking as he watched his sensei knock back the contents of the glass in one great gulp.</p><p>“<span>Sweet </span><em>Kami</em><span> what's </span><em>in</em><span> that?” Kakashi asked as he coughed and reached over to swap the glass that had held the hangover cure for the glass of water.</span></p><p>“A raw egg, a shot of Worcestershire sauce, tomato sauce, vinegar, and some pepper,” Naruto answered. “Feel better?”</p><p>Kakashi drained his glass of water, then blinked and nodded slowly. “Yes,” he answered, surprised.</p><p>“Prairie Oysters, for all that they're a bit nasty, will cure even the most sinister of hangovers,” Naruto said, and gently stroked his sensei's wild silver hair. “The shower is through there -” Naruto said with a nod to a different door than the one he'd used previously, “-and I'll be in the kitchen when you're done,” he finished, collecting up the used glass and moving towards the same door he'd already come and gone through a few times since Kakashi had woken up.</p><p>“Thank you Naruto,” Kakashi said sincerely.</p><p>“You're welcome Kakashi-sensei.”</p><p> </p><p>~oOo~</p><p> </p><p>Yahiko and Tashigi hadn't gotten into the third stage of the chunin exam. Kyo-sensei excused himself to Naruto and Kakashi to give his attention to his own students improvement for next time, knowing that Kakashi would be resuming his previous full-time training with Naruto.</p><p>There had been a preliminary round to thin the numbers before the genin had left the Forest of Death, and Naruto had been darkly pleased to have been assigned Hyuuga Neji as his opponent for the first round of the third stage. With two Hyuugas going for chunin, and only <em>one</em> needed for entertaining the masses who would come to the exams to watch the matches, Neji had been pitted against Hinata – sweet, shy, polite, <em>gentle</em> Hinata – and he'd nearly killed her.</p><p>Hinata was still in the hospital and visitors – even family and team-mates – weren't permitted yet. It would be a week, according to the hospital staff Kiba had talked to, before Hinata would be able to have visitors.</p><p>His own method for getting through the preliminary stage – cracking his opponent in the temple with the butt of his staff – hadn't been as damaging while still being equally effective towards the goal, and Ino (his opponent) had woken up a couple of hours later with a headache. No permanent harm done, and Ino was a nuisance. Hinata was <em>nice</em> though, she shouldn't have to deal with all that pain, and inflicted by <em>family</em> at that!</p><p>No, it <em>would not stand</em>. And if Naruto had his way, neither would Neji for long.</p><p>Of course, Neji wasn't the only genin Naruto had to be ready to fight against in the third stage. Shino, Shikamaru, and Lee were other Konoha genin that had made it into the third stage, with all three of the Suna genin making it through as well. It was just about a Suna versus Konoha exam, since all other contenders had been taken out either in the Forest of Death or the preliminary round. Naruto's fight against Neji would be the only fight in the first round between two genin from the same village however. Second round, who knows? He could potentially be facing any of the other six.</p><p>For the next month, Kakashi had Naruto train in elemental ninjutsu – regardless of affinity. Kakashi drilled his cute little student in every element and every ninjutsu he could think of. Kage bunshin were a <em>very</em> useful training tool that month.</p><p>As well as this, and particularly because Naruto was fighting a Hyuuga, Kakashi taught Naruto what little he knew about pressure points. These <em>weren't</em> tenketsu, which the Hyuuga could see with their 'all-seeing' eyes, but generalised areas that, when struck, would affect the way the body worked. Actually, this learning was augmented by Hakkai's knowledge of acupuncture, and Hakkai knew a <em>lot</em> about acupuncture. Generally, the mild-mannered man used it to help Gojyo or the girls relax, or to cure muscle problems. He <em>did</em> know more than just that though, and the five kage bunshins that were assigned to studying the medical scrolls Hakkai assigned him for supplementary reading on the subject helped Naruto soak up all that Hakkai had to teach him like a sponge.</p><p>The most exiting thing to happen during that month, however, had nearly nothing to do with either of them: Uchiha Sasuke was, ahem, 'kidnapped' from his home in the deserted Uchiha district. The bloodline-fixated civilian council requested – loudly – that teams of ninjas be sent out to retrieve him. Only that Naruto had once been in the same class as the Uchiha and had originally been assigned to be on a team with him linked them at all. Otherwise, Naruto and Kakashi were both too busy training for the next phase of the chunin exams, and the Hokage sent neither of them on the retrieval mission. When the chunin teams that he <em>had</em> sent returned with their target – Sasuke – and the boy had been examined by a medic, he was immediately placed in a heavily guarded cell within the Torture and Interrogation Department of AnBu.</p><p>The brat had gone traitor, and as much as his bloodline was an asset to the village, Sasuke himself was a liability. He was effectively confined to a cell and – unofficially mind you – labelled in the Hokage's files as “breeding stock only”, which would have amused Naruto <em>greatly</em> if he knew about it.</p><p> </p><p>~oOo~</p><p> </p><p>Naruto had a very sharp blade attached to one end of his bo-staff as he stood in the centre of the arena with the other genin as the proctor welcomed the dignitaries who had come to watch the day's events. His whip was oiled and coiled and ready. He'd a neat collection of exploding tags and senbon secreted about his person, and his cupboard back in his apartment was well stocked with anything else he might need.</p><p>Soon enough, it was just Naruto and Neji.</p><p>“The fates have decided, it is your destiny to lose today,” Neji proclaimed.</p><p>Naruto raised an eyebrow. “You're either exceedingly arrogant, or a prophet. I'm disinclined to believe the latter,” he quipped.</p><p>“Begin!” ordered Hayate, the proctor, and with a cough, he jumped back out of the way.</p><p>At the same time, Naruto leapt up to the top of his staff, balancing easily on the tip of the blade at the top.</p><p>Neji charged, intending to break the staff (obviously he didn't know about the steel core) so that he could reach his opponent. His open palm hit at approximately the half-way point, and it started to tip. As he had when Sasuke and Sakura had charged him back before they'd taken Kakashi's bell test and his 'team-mates' were after his breakfast bar, Naruto used his feet to flip the staff around. This time, however, he very deliberately caught his opponent in the chin with the blunt end while he dropped to the ground, spinning the staff in his hands so that the blade was out between himself and Neji.</p><p>The transferred momentum and kinetic energy of the levered motion, and inertia/gravity matrix resulted in Neji being sent five metres backwards, head-first with his teeth through his tongue, until he crashed into the dirt.</p><p>Naruto circled around. He had no intention of standing <em>over</em> the body of a talented taijutsu-user. He instead placed the blade at the end of his staff against Neji's neck from behind the slightly older boy's head.</p><p>“Winner: Uzumaki Naruto!” Hayate proclaimed with some surprise. That fight really hadn't taken very long at all. A genin should <em>not</em> be that easy to take down... But he had been.</p><p>“I'll take him to the medics,” Naruto offered, even as he hefted his opponent. “There are a few things I want to <em>talk</em> to him about when he comes around.”</p><p>Hayate just nodded silently as he, and the rest of the people in the stadium, watched the surprising blonde carry off the previous year's number one rookie. Once Naruto was out of sight, Hayate shook his head and called down the next pair of combatants: Shikamaru and Temari.</p><p>The medic-nins had stopped the bleeding and mostly healed up Neji's bitten-through tongue in just a few minutes, but they advised him to be careful eating for a while as they also did their best to heal the fracture Naruto had made in his jawbone with his first strike, and the bump on the back of his head from his harsh landing.</p><p>“I advise you not open your mouth at all except to eat,” Naruto quipped once the medics had cleared out of the room. “Maybe then you'll <em>listen</em> more,” he said more dangerously as he stalked across the room to the older boy. “And you can start by listening now. I don't give a damn about your issues with your family. That's your shit to deal with. I care that you talked down to, and called <em>weak</em>, possibly the <em>nicest</em> person I've ever met. I care that you tried to <em>kill</em> a member of your <em>family</em>, a kind girl who for reasons completely beyond <em>my</em> comprehension <em>cares about you</em>. I care that for some <em>fucked up reason</em> you think people <em>can't</em> change. Not <em>won't</em> but <em>can't</em>. In this world, there is one thing that is constant, and one thing that is infinite. Neither of these are fate or destiny,” Naruto growled, his blue eyes flashing dangerously. “The only thing <em>constant</em> in this world, Neji-baka, is <em>change</em>. The only thing that is <em>infinite</em> is <em>human stupidity</em>. Some might argue the universe, but I'm more inclined to believe it's human stupidity.”</p><p>Naruto took a deep breath and stepped back from where he'd been encroaching on the older boy's personal space.</p><p>“Hinata-chan is proof of the first,” Naruto said, his voice controlled and calm. “She works every day to better herself, to improve, to become the person that <em>she wants to be</em>,” he continued to explain in a measured, soft tone as he turned his back on the older boy and headed towards the door once more. “You, Neji-san, are proof of the second. I wish you the best of luck with <em>changing</em> that,” he said with a glance over his shoulder as he stood in the door frame.</p><p>Then he was gone, on his way back to the balcony where the genin waited for their turn in the arena and watched the other matches.</p><p>Almost exactly ten seconds into the last fight of the first round – Gaara of the Sand against Konoha's own Rock Lee – an area-wide genjutsu fluttered gently down over the stadium, vaguely luminous white feathers lulling <em>every</em> civilian to sleep where they sat, and a good portion of unprepared ninja as well.</p><p> </p><p>~oOo~</p><p> </p><p>Naruto stood in the office of the Hokage and quietly bit the inside of his lower lip. He didn't <em>think</em> he was in trouble, but he'd used rather a <em>lot</em> of techniques that were on the various forbidden scrolls that he'd <em>borrowed</em> from the Hokage's library. The kage bunshin of course, which had swamped Konoha as a defending army, but it was already generally known that he could perform that technique. He'd been seen using it when training after all. The potential problems arose from all the <em>other</em> techniques that he'd used to defend the village.</p><p>“Naruto,” the Sandaime said solemnly as he set his pipe down on his desk. “I do hereby accord you chunin rank. This is based on both your performance throughout the chunin exam, and your actions during the invasion attempt by Orochimaru and his subordinates.”</p><p>Naruto blinked, then his bright blue eyes went wide in delighted surprise.</p><p>“Also, as you have reached chunin rank, this is yours,” Sarutobi said, reaching into one of the drawers in his desk and removing a scroll. “Study all that is contained within there carefully, Naruto,” the old man said, his eyes kind and tired. “And if you happen to see a man with large amounts of white hair peeping into the ladies hot springs, that's your godfather Jiraiya. Punt him my way if you see him? He should have presented himself to me over a month ago.”</p><p>Naruto nodded, a grin on his face as he accepted the scroll from the old man. He threw a salute and marched out of the office in an orderly fashion before he started bouncing off the walls until he found a window to leave through.</p><p>He'd made chunin!</p>
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